Guide · Ceremonies

How to plan a non-religious funeral

A non-religious funeral is a goodbye without religious ritual, built around the life of the person who has died. It can take place at a funeral home, a crematorium or outdoors, and be led by a family member or a celebrant. Here is how it is structured, who speaks, how long it lasts, and an order of service you can fill in.

Many families arrive at the funeral home with the same thought: "she wasn't religious, we don't want a church service, but we don't want her to go with nothing either." There is a lot of space between a religious service and silence, and that is exactly what a non-religious funeral fills. It isn't a lesser ceremony or a quick formality. Done well, it is usually the goodbye that most resembles the person.

This guide is for anyone who has to put one together in a few days, with no experience and with their mind somewhere else. Read it through or jump to the part you need.

01What a non-religious funeral is (and isn't)

A non-religious funeral, also called a secular or civil funeral, is a ceremony that doesn't follow the liturgy of any faith. Instead of set prayers and rites, it is shaped around the person: who they were, what they did, what they leave behind in others. There are words, music, silence and often a small symbolic gesture.

• It isn't anti-religious. Non-religious means there is no religious rite, not that every spiritual reference is banned. If part of the family wants to read a text that matters to them, there is room for it.
• It isn't the legal part. The ceremony itself is free in form. Registering the death and authorising burial or cremation are separate legal steps, and the rules depend on the country you are in. In most places your funeral director handles them or tells you what you need.
• There is no required format. No fixed length, order or number of speakers. That is exactly why a written running order helps: total freedom with no structure is what makes some secular services feel thin or drift on too long.

02Non-religious, humanist, celebration of life: what's the difference?

The names overlap, so it helps to sort them out:

• Religious funeral. Follows the liturgy of a faith and is led by a minister of that faith. Much of the content and order is set.
• Non-religious or secular funeral. The umbrella term: a ceremony without religious ritual, with free content, led by a relative, a friend or a professional celebrant.
• Humanist funeral. A non-religious funeral that explicitly starts from a non-religious view of life, led by a humanist celebrant. In the UK, Humanists UK trains and accredits humanist celebrants.
• Celebration of life. Usually a more relaxed gathering, often held days or weeks later, sometimes without the body present. It can be the main event or follow a short funeral.
• Mixed ceremony. A secular service with one religious element, such as a prayer or a hymn, because the person or part of the family wanted it. More common than people think, and nothing to apologise for.

03Where you can hold it

• At the funeral home. The simplest option, because everything is in one place. Many have ceremony rooms without religious symbols, or will remove them. Ask when you make the arrangements.
• At the crematorium or cemetery. Some have their own chapel or room; elsewhere the ceremony happens at the graveside. Time slots can be short, so ask exactly how many minutes you have.
• Outdoors. A garden, a park, a beach, a favourite walk. Often this is a memorial without the body present. If it is public or protected land, check with the landowner or local council first; rules vary from place to place.
• At home or somewhere meaningful. Their workshop, their club, the pub or restaurant they always went to. Works especially well for a smaller gathering.

One idea that helps a lot: it doesn't all have to happen on one day. A short service at the crematorium, then a longer celebration of life a few weeks later for everyone who couldn't make it, is a very common and gentle way to do it.

04Non-religious funeral order of service

Most services that work last 30 to 45 minutes and follow, with variations, this running order:

1. Entrance music — 3 minutes

While people come in and sit down. A piece they loved; instrumental is a good choice if songs with lyrics come later.

2. Welcome — 2 minutes

Whoever leads the service says hello, introduces themselves and briefly explains what will happen. It settles the room to know how long it will take and that nobody has to "do it right".

3. The life story — 5 to 8 minutes

The portrait of the person: where they came from, what they did, what they were like. Not a CV, a story. It is the centrepiece and the hardest part to write; our eulogy service exists precisely for this.

4. Tributes — 6 to 10 minutes

Two or three people speaking from their own relationship: a son, a friend, a colleague. Fewer and prepared beats many and improvised. Ask each to stay under three minutes.

5. Reading or music — 3 to 5 minutes

A poem, a passage from a book they cared about, a song listened to in silence. It gives the room a breather between voices.

6. Symbolic gesture — 3 to 5 minutes

Something people do rather than just listen to: laying a flower, lighting a candle, writing a line on a card. More ideas in section 06.

7. Moment of reflection — 1 minute

An announced minute of silence so everyone can say goodbye in their own way. It sounds small and is often the strongest moment.

8. Committal and closing words — 2 minutes

Thank everyone for coming, explain what happens next (cremation, burial, a gathering afterwards) and close with a line addressed to the person. At a crematorium, this is when the curtains may close; you can choose whether they do.

9. Exit music — 3 minutes

Many families choose something lighter here. It is the last memory of the service, and it is fine if it makes people smile.

05A script you can fill in

If a family member is leading the service, this skeleton gives them a thread to follow. Copy it, fill the gaps and cut what you don't need.

06Readings, music and gestures that work

Readings

You don't need to search for "funeral poems". What works best is something the person read, underlined or quoted. If there's nothing like that, look through writers you know they liked. A letter they wrote, a handwritten recipe or a paragraph from a novel can be more moving than any poem chosen from a list.

A practical rule: keep each reading under two minutes, and have it read by someone who has rehearsed it out loud at least once.

Music

• Think in three moments: entrance, a reflective moment in the middle, and exit.
• Choose songs they really listened to, not the ones that are "supposed" to play at funerals.
• Check with the venue how music is played (USB stick, playlist, phone) and always bring a backup.
• If someone in the family plays an instrument, live music tends to be one of the moments people remember most.

Symbolic gestures

• A flower or a stone for each person, laid next to the photo or the coffin.
• Candles lit by the closest family.
• Memory cards: each guest writes a line or an anecdote. Later they are collected into a small book for the family; it's the seed of what we do in The legacy.
• One of their objects somewhere visible: the hat, the glasses, the fishing rod, the notebook.
• Planting a tree later on, with or without the ashes, as a continuation of the ceremony.
• A letter to the person, read aloud or kept. Some families also write letters that someone will receive on a future date, such as an anniversary; that's what our scheduled letters are for.

07Who leads the service

Someone needs to be the thread: welcome people, introduce each speaker, keep time and close. There are two options, equally good.

A family member or friend

The advantage is closeness: they know the person and the room. The difficulty is that leading and grieving at the same time is very demanding. If a close relative does it, give them a plan B: another person with a copy of the script who can take over if they need to stop.

A professional celebrant

A celebrant meets the family beforehand, gathers stories, writes the life story, orders the tributes and leads the service. The family decides what is said; the celebrant makes sure it goes well. It is the option that lets the people closest to the person simply be there. At ARBORA we prepare bespoke farewell ceremonies, secular or spiritual, and write the words with the family.

08Planning checklist

There are often only a few days between the death and the funeral. This order will save you the most running around:

• Tell the funeral director early that you want a non-religious service, so they can book the right room and tell you how long you have.
• Choose who leads. A relative, a friend or a celebrant. It is the decision that shapes everything else.
• Decide who will speak and ask them as soon as possible, with a clear time limit.
• Gather stories. Half an hour with the people closest to them, noting anecdotes, sayings, habits. It is the raw material for the life story.
• Pick the music and one reading. Three songs and one text are enough.
• Prepare photos. One large photo at the front and, if the venue allows, a short slideshow.
• Decide on the symbolic gesture and who brings what (flowers, candles, cards, pens).
• Print the order of service for guests if you want one, and a large-print script for whoever leads and for the plan B.
• Do a quick run-through the evening before, even if it's just reading aloud in the kitchen. Time it.

If all of this feels like too much right now, that's normal. That is what funeral planning support is for: someone who coordinates the day with the funeral home and with you.

09Common mistakes

• Opening the floor to everyone with no preparation. It tends to run long and, oddly, leaves out what matters most. If you want an open moment, put it at the end with a time limit.
• Listing achievements. Job titles are forgotten; specific scenes are remembered.
• Not asking how much time you have. At crematoriums the slot can be short. Better to know beforehand than to have to cut.
• Forgetting the people who can't come. A message from them can be read out, or the service streamed or recorded (ask the venue first).
• Thinking it has to be perfect. Nobody remembers if someone stumbled over a line. They remember whether the service sounded like the person.

10Frequently asked questions

What is a non-religious funeral called?

It goes by several names: secular funeral, civil funeral, humanist funeral (when led by a humanist celebrant) or celebration of life (usually a more informal gathering). They all describe a farewell without religious ritual.

Who can lead a non-religious funeral?

Anyone the family chooses: a relative, a friend or a professional celebrant. The ceremony itself does not need to be led by an ordained or licensed person.

Can you have hymns or a prayer at a non-religious funeral?

Yes, if the family wants to. Many secular services include one religious element because it mattered to the person or to someone close to them.

How long does a non-religious funeral last?

There is no fixed length. Most last 30 to 45 minutes; at crematoriums and cemeteries the available slot may be shorter.

Is a humanist funeral the same as a non-religious funeral?

A humanist funeral is one kind of non-religious funeral. It is led by a humanist celebrant and grounded in a humanist view of life, while "non-religious" covers any ceremony without religious ritual.